Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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