he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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