My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
