That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
