The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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