Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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