I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
