guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Oh god it's open bar.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
