Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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