you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
