My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Man, jail baloney is awful.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
