So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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