Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
