my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I FOUND THE LEGS
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He did a backflip because drugs
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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