i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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