At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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