so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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