I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
