I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
