I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize