I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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