I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
