i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
