i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
