I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
