Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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