whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
