i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
