Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
