i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
