I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize