You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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