my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
