Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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