oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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