That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
