so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
