It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
