you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
