So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
