Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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