glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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