I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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