i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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