My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
