found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
