It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
