Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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