He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
