Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
