____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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